E-Brakes Critically Damaged in Runaway SSD Deployment Train
LOS ANGELES, California—May 13th, 2015—DreamHost®, a global leader in web hosting and cloud services for entrepreneurs and developers, has today explained the circumstances behind a mysterious and unremitting string of deployments of Solid State Drives (SSDs) across its product line. Today’s announcement that SSDs and other enhancements have been added to DreamPress 2, the latest iteration of DreamHost’s managed WordPress solution, has many frightened observers asking when the madness will end.
SSDs first made their appearance to customers in Q4 of 2014 in DreamHost’s Virtual Private Servers. Overnight, VPS customers saw an immediate and unasked-for 20x increase in speed when accessing their data.
More recently, in Q1 of 2015, SSDs made their way to DreamHost’s shared hosting. The same improvements in data access speeds – delivered to all shared hosting customers without any increase in price – sent shockwaves through the industry. The unprecedented boost in performance left many customers apprehensive for what could come next.
Today those fears were realized as DreamHost’s managed WordPress service, now called DreamPress 2, received the SSD treatment. Current DreamPress users, already accustomed to an elevated level of performance, are now left to deal with appreciably more speed than they ever asked for – or even wanted – in a purpose-built WordPress hosting platform.
DreamPress 2 users may now also elect to run WordPress on PHP 5.5 with OPCache enabled or, optionally, on Hip Hop Virtual Machine (HHVM,) the drop-in PHP replacement built for extreme performance. Extensive laboratory testing has shown that this combination of dramatic hardware and software enhancements is almost – almost – too much for humans to handle.
“Ahh jeez. I’ve had my guys on dis this night and day, tryin’ to slow dis train down. But stuff like SSDs and HHVM…I ain’t never seen anything like it. They don’t stop for nothin’! For nothin!” explained an exasperated Micah Sachs, DreamHost’s VP of Systems Engineering and DreamPress Product Manager. “People like the fast stuff, but how fast is too fast, ya’ know? You gotta pull it back sometimes or people’s just gonna get hurt.” Sachs then lowered his gaze to the ground, his dirt-caked hardhat lowering to hide weary eyes. “We’re workin’ on it.”
At press time the SSD train had reportedly last been seen worming its way deep into the heart of the DreamHost Core, haphazardly weaving its way across key systems, considering which services could most benefit from its lightning-fast, non-moving parts.
Since 1997 DreamHost has helped entrepreneurs and developers the world over bring their dreams to life on the Internet. From domain registrations to web hosting and even powerful cloud storage and computing services, more than 400,000 customers trust DreamHost to be their online home. Packed with unbelievable value, DreamHost is the best place to launch a blog, website, or web application into the stratosphere. Learn more at www.DreamHost.com