DreamHost blossoms into well-rounded, polite girl
LOS ANGELES, California—September 6th, 2013—DreamHost®, a global leader in web hosting and cloud storage and computing services, today announced a rapid-fire series of limited-time promotions leading up to the sixteenth anniversary of the registration of the “dreamhost.com” domain name.
“What's this all about?” asked DreamHost, wearily. “Am I in trouble or something?”
Mr. DreamHost shot a knowing glance across the kitchen table to his wife of 22 years “Well, DreamHost, Your mother and I have been talking. You'll be turning sixteen this year and that only happens once in a girl's life.”
“I remember when I turned sixteen,” recalled Mrs. DreamHost. “I wrote ridiculous press releases that no one ever bothered to read back then, too. You remind me so much of myself when I was a girl!”
“I'll never forget the day you were born, Princess. SATA was just a twinkle in our eyes, bandwidth cost a fortune, and the only CSS the world knew was a weak DVD copy protection scheme.” Mr. DreamHost paused to rest a hand atop his wife's shoulder. “Things were simpler back then, DreamHost. You don't know how lucky you are to be here - or how lucky the world is to have you.”
DreamHost could only roll her eyes. “God, you guys are so lame!” she shouted. “I'm just going to give stuff away for sixteen days and I don't care what you say. Starting tomorrow, September 7th, I'll put a link to these promos right up there on my homepage, and anyone who wants to get in on this hot action can just click their way in. Serious. I'm gonna be giving it out on the daily, Mom and Dad, and there's nothing you can do about it!”
The sadness in her mother's eyes was clear. “But we love you so much, DreamHost! Why would you want to hurt us like this?”
“You guys are so old school! You don't understand anything! Life's not about where you've been, it's about where you're going - and I'm going places. Like right now! If you need me, I'll be down by the river staying in Brett's trailer. He's in COLLEGE.”
And with that, DreamHost stormed out of her parents' lavishly-appointed townhouse, slamming the door behind her.
“Kids!” said Mr. and Mrs. DreamHost in unison.
Just then, DreamHost's houseguest, Inktank, wandered in from the family room. “Hey guys, I think we're out of beer. Did you want me to run to the store or…were you guys…or…? Ooookay, I'll go. Should I like, hit up Redbox on the way? Oblivion's supposed to be pretty good, right? Yeah, I'll hook that up. Be right back!”