It's not your fault.
Poisons are everywhere.
You have been fed an increasingly unhealthy diet of foods and drinks rich in toxins since the day you were born.
These toxins have built up in your body and are approaching critical levels! This accumulation of poisons threatens to overwhelm your body's own defenses and has begun to wreak havoc with your metabolic processes.
There is hope, however!
The DreamHost Cleanse is an intense 7, 10, or 30 day program designed to instigate detoxification, boost your immune system, promote weight loss, and restore your body's natural balance.
The secret lies in our cleanse's powerful combination of juices bolstered by naturally-sourced herbs, nutritional supplements, and 8 to 10 tall glasses of water every day.
At the end of your cleanse you'll awaken as pure and healthy as the day you were born!
Of course your body will then resume its slow, inevitable march toward death, accumulating a frightening number of toxins along the way.
In fact, it's probably best to just keep buying our cleanse products every other month until you die. Your body craves these little jolts to its metabolism and you can rest assured that you're doing everything you can to keep things fresh and clean from your gut to your butt on a regular basis.
Perhaps more than any other benefit, the DreamHost Cleanse is a foolproof way of showing the world just how bad you are at understanding how the human body processes food, how desperate you are to not eat healthy things, and how bad with money you really are.
That actually sounds like...not a benefit.
That's your pitch?
Okay, product cancelled. Jonathan, you're fired.
Dammit people, this was supposed to be a meeting for GOOD product ideas.
Simon Says... (Written by CEO Simon Anderson!)
I've just landed in Hong Kong, home of this year's Fall OpenStack Summit and this place is already buzzing with energy!
Attendance at these summits has grown by leaps and bounds over the last few years, and it's a great feeling to see so many people here who are just as passionate as we are about the open cloud!
Hot on the heels of the "Havana" release of OpenStack, our engineers are working day and night to get DreamCompute, our OpenStack-based cloud computing service, out the door and into your hands.
Sign up now if you'd like to be among the first admitted into a free, beta test trial of DreamCompute!
See you in November!
(Now back to Brett!)
DreamObjects: Cheaper and BETTER
If you're in the market for reliable, inexpensive object storage online, just stop looking. It's right here! DreamObjects, remember?
DreamObjects has *always* been API-compatible with OpenStack's Swift AND Amazon S3. In fact, for most web apps that've been written for S3 or Swift, changing a hostname is the only change app developers will need to make to begin hosting apps on the web's least-expensive object storage!
We even offer a web-based migration tool to copy all of your data off of either S3 or a Swift-based system and get it loaded onto DreamObjects!
DreamObjects has always been cheaper than S3, but now it's a LOT cheaper. This month we've lowered the standard pricing of $0.07 per GB down to a mere $0.05! That's $0.05 to store a GB of data, and $0.05 for each GB of outbound bandwidth.
Inbound traffic remains free as always!
This isn't some limited-time promo or some "good for the first year" shenanigans. This price drop is the real deal.
We didn't just stop there, however!
We've also added CNAME support to DreamObjects! That means that you're no longer required to host your data at you.objects.dreamhost.com. You can now set up a specific subdomain (you.yourdomain.com) to host any of your DreamObjects data buckets!
We continue to work behind the scenes on DreamObjects (and DreamCompute!) every friggin' day and, brother, believe me when I say that even better things are coming!
NEW: WordPress 3.7!
WordPress 3.7 has been released! Wha!
Didn't we just get 3.6? You bet your button-clicking upgrade finger we did!
The WordPress development team has been hard at work revising their development process in an effort to reduce the amount of time that passes between releases.
You could struggle through a boring ol' changelog like you do with every release, or you could watch WordPress' own Matt Mullenweg discuss 3.7's big changes in his "State of the Word 2013":
The fun starts at 33:15!
3.7 now auto-updates itself to resolve security and maintenance issues, though major upgrades will still require either your intervention or an auto-upgrade from our web panel's one-click installer:
And - hold onto your hats - 3.8 is planned for a December release!
Those guys are WordPressing on!
New Charity: Committee to Protect Journalists
July through October we solicited donations for the National Math and Science Initiative - an organization whose goal is to transform teaching and schools by improving student performance in the critical subjects of science, technology, engineering, and math (STEM).
14 of you ladies and gents dug deep to donate a weird total of $868.36 which we will now double and submit on your behalf for a total donation of $1,736.72!
Our next donation target is the Committee to Protect Journalists!
"CPJ promotes press freedom worldwide and defends the right of journalists to report the news without fear of reprisal. CPJ ensures the free flow of news and commentary by taking action wherever journalists are attacked, imprisoned, killed, kidnapped, threatened, censored, or harassed."
In a world where everything is monitored and reporters find their loved ones detained and harassed as a result of their own journalistic revelations, **COUGH**GLENN GREENWALD**COUGH, organizations like the Committee to Protect Journalists are absolutely key to ensuring a free press and a free flow of information to the public.
Now and for the next several months we'll be accepting your donations for CPJ through the "Give to Charity" section of your account control panel:
We'll match your donations!
Not match like "take a match to"! That would be crazy.
Match like "We'll kick in as much as you do."
DreamHost WTF: Social Support!
What's that feature? It's Social Support!
Social media! Have you heard of this thing? It's hot right now!
You've got Friendster, MySpace, Orkut, Google Plus...so many great options to choose from!
A subset of our technical support team is dedicated to supporting you across all social media - at no extra charge I might add!
Help us help you!
If you're on Twitter, add your Twitter handle to your DreamHost account's contact details! That'll help our tech support crew quickly identify your account if and when you ever find yourself reaching out for help!
If arbitrary character limits cramp your style, you're of course welcome to contact our technical support team via email or live online chat as you've always done!
Hit the "Contact Support" section of your account control panel, submit a message, and watch those problems just fade away...
The DreamHost Site Of The Month is a coveted title reserved for a select few DreamHost customers who have wowed their peers with incredible feats of wonder and majesty within the confines of a web browser.
WordPress? What's that? We are not familiar with this term.
Remember, you can always click through to the DreamHost Site Of The Month section of your account control panel at any time to submit your site, vote on candidates, and view all winners past and present.
Nice work, dudes!
See ya next month!
P.S. - Newsletters are full of toxins! You should unsubscribe from this one right away: