> new game
You wake up lying on your back. You're not sure how you've come to be here, or where "here" is, and a crippling wave of panic briefly holds you captive. You're not in a bed. You're not on a couch. You're not even on the ground.
The only thing you know for sure is that you're in searing pain from the neck down and you're very, very cold.
With great effort you manage to force open your eyelids, now crusted-over with a mixture of sweat, tears, and blood, some of which you suspect to not be your own.
You blink several times but can only make out vague shapes. A bright light streams in from overhead. The pain throughout your body is unbearable.
As your senses slowly come back online you're able to piece together more of your current situation. You wiggle your fingers but can't be certain what your senses are telling you. You strain to look again at the light overhead and recognize the distinctive shape of the skylight of your bathroom. It's then that you realize - you're in your own bathroom, laying in your own bathtub.
The bathtub is full of ice and you see veins of red and brown streaking through the frigid slush at all angles.
> exit bathtub
You try to move your legs but feel a sharp pain in your lower back that prevents you from extracting yourself from the bathtub.
You yell out in agony and grab your lower back only to discover what feels like two neat lines of stitches running up your sides right about where you'd expect your kidneys to be.
As you writhe around in pain you notice a small stool within reach of the bathtub. A small note and a telephone rest upon it.
> read note
Very neat handwriting greets you.
"Hi! My name's Brett! I work at DreamHost and I saw this guy buy you a drink at the bar last night, but something didn't seem quite right about the whole situation, so I followed you guys back to your place.
You passed out while you were trying to key open your front door, but he caught you and managed to get you both inside.
I stood at your window and watched him throw you on the kitchen table, cut you open, and take your kidneys right out of your body. That's when I knew something was wrong.
When he tried to sneak out your front door I shot him in the face and got your kidneys back for you. I'm pretty sure I put them back in you the right way, so you should be fine. I'm no doctor, but you'll probably want to avoid alcohol for the next few days.
Oh yeah, it seems I managed to trigger a heart attack while I was deep inside you. Sorry about that. The good news is I found a guy who didn't need his heart anymore, so I took the opportunity to give you an upgrade.
Sorry about the ice - I thought it might preserve things long enough for your body's own immune system to take over. If it doesn't, you can use this phone to call someone. Maybe 911? I dunno. I feel like a librarian would probably be more helpful.
Anyway, thanks for choosing DreamHost!"
>>> Congratulations! Your score is 256/256 in 5 moves.
Simon Says... (Written by CEO Simon Anderson!)
Summer's here and that means things are starting to heat up around DreamHost!
This month we took the wraps off of DreamPress, a powerful new hosting package built for WordPress, optimized for speed, and designed to stand up to even the largest bursts of traffic. If you rely on WordPress to power your sites, you'll want to check it out!
We've also partnered with Stop The Hacker to bring you free, automatic, daily security scans of your sites. This is one of those "no-brainer" decisions that you'll surely want to take advantage of!
Keep cool this summer and we'll see you next month! And at DreamCon the next month!
(Now back to Brett!)
NEW: DreamPress - WordPress Evolved
DreamHost currently hosts over 700,000 WordPress sites. That's a lot!
As you can imagine, we've pretty much seen it all.
Some people install WordPress to kick the tires and then immediately forget about it.
Some people set up a blog of cat pictures that gets more traffic from search engines than any real human.
Some people use WordPress as the foundation of their entire business, installing plugins that add functionality and themes that push the limits of what CSS and a web browser were meant to do.
If you're pushing WordPress to the limit, or just really want your site to be running at peak efficiency, you may want to consider upgrading to our newest hosting service - built from the ground up with WordPress in mind!
We call it "DreamPress"!
While you can install and run WordPress across any of our hosted services, DreamPress is TRULY WordPress-optimized.
Beneath the surface DreamPress is a bundling of a VPS web server and a VPS MySQL server, each configured to auto-scale with the needs of your particular WordPress sites with NO intervention required on your part.
We've also included an installation of Varnish, a web app accelerator that sits between your WordPress sites and the rest of the Internet, completely negating the need for you to deal with any WordPress caching plugins.
Learn more about DreamPress in our Wiki:
DreamPress is priced at $24.95 per month per site, but during this introductory period we've dropped things down to just $19.95 to entice you to see first-hand the difference that it can make to your fast-paced WordPress lifestyle.
If your WordPress installation is currently managed via our one-click installer, our tech support team can get you migrated over in no time. Contact them to start the process!
If you manage your WordPress installation yourself, you'll need to export and import your data into DreamPress manually, using the info found in our Wiki.
DreamPress is currently in beta, and we've got many more features waiting in the wings that we can't wait to tell you about - when they're ready!
Incidentally, DreamHost is a top-level sponsor at this year's WordCamp San Francisco in July! Stop by our booth and say hello if you'll be there!
NEW: Stop The Hacker
Website security is a pretty big deal around here. We host 1.2 million domains, and the sheer volume and variety of what we host means that we see an incredible amount of attempted attacks against both known exploits and those of the "zero day" variety.
To help give you piece of mind, and to avoid you giving us a piece of your mind, we've just partnered with StopTheHacker to provide FREE reputation monitoring and blacklist monitoring for ALL DreamHost customers.
Once you've signed up for Stop The Hacker's free reputation monitoring they'll perform regular, comprehensive checks on the status of your website across search engines, malware blacklists, DNS blacklists, phishing blacklists, spam blacklists, and more. They'll then alert you if your site ends up on any type of blacklist and will help you to remove it.
Did I mention that's all free? It is.
If you're looking for even more comprehensive scans of your site's actual content, Stop The Hacker also provides four different paid monitoring packages starting at just $10 per month:
To enable Stop The Hacker's free service, or to sign up for any of their paid options, just visit the Stop The Hacker section of your DreamHost control panel:
Like Simon said - this is a no-brainer!
DreamCon is almost here!
DreamCon, the first official DreamHost user conference, is fast approaching! August 1st will be here before you know it, so you'll want to clear some space in your calendar and book your travel if you haven't already.
Located in downtown Los Angeles, DreamCon makes its debut this year and is full of classes taught by DreamHost employees (and partners!) designed to help you get the most out of your DreamHost experience.
We've extended our early bird pricing through July 1st, so make sure you get in before the price jumps!
I personally can't wait to get inappropriate with all of you in a classroom environment. It's like this dream I had this one time.
New Charity: NMSI!
February through June we solicited donations for the Wikimedia Foundation - the organization behind several notable non-profit web projects, the most popular of which is Wikipedia.
32 of you fine people dug deep to donate a total of $2,449.00 which we will now double and submit on your behalf for a total donation of $4,898.00!
I would like to think that this particular drop in the bucket will give us a few extra months of a banner-free Wikipedia, but we'll just have to wait and see on that one.
Our next donation target is the National Math and Science Initiative!
The NMSI's goal is to transform teaching, schools, and education in America with the ultimate goal of improving student performance in the critical subjects of science, technology, engineering and math (STEM).
Now and for the next couple o' months we'll be accepting your donations for STEM through the "Give to Charity" section of your account control panel:
We'll match your donations! But not before going to the bank and withdrawing whatever you've given us in 1 dollar bills and rolling around in them!
WordPress 3.5.2 has hit the scene, and we strongly recommend that you upgrade your installation immediately.
3.5.2 is a "maintenance and security release," patching several vulnerabilities which, if left untouched, might prompt an email from Stop The Hacker.
If you installed WordPress via our one-click installer, visit the one-click section of your web panel and click to "Manage Installed Applications" to begin the upgrade process.
If you've set your sites to "auto upgrade" you've probably *already* been upgraded, thanks to the power of automation!
If you installed WordPress manually you can use WordPress' own auto-updater to start the process.
More security is always better, especially when you don't need to let someone spy on your email and phone calls to get it. OOHHHHHH SNAP.
DreamHost WTF: TLD Watchlist
What's That Feature? It's our TLD Watchlist!
The old guard of .com, .net, .org, and "the rest" are about to see their fortunes dwindle as an entirely new breed of top level domains (TLDs) stand to make their presence known - by the hundreds!
As early as this year, the floodgates will open and you'll be able to snag new TLDs like ".ninja", ".agency", and ".auto" among many, many others.
With SO many new TLDs launching soon, how do you make sure you're prepared when the landgrab starts? That's easy! You register your interest using a TLD watchlist:
Setting up a watchlist will ensure you get notified when the domain you're looking for becomes available for registration. There's no cost to set up a watchlist, and there's no commitment to register any domains at any point in the future.
It's just a free, no-pressure tool to keep you informed.
Affiliate Bonuses - 50 Shades of Summer!
Whether you know it or not, you're enrolled in the DreamHost Affiliate program! What that means in plain english is that we'll pay you $97 for each new customer that you refer to DreamHost. That's it!
Our "50 Shades of Summer" bonus program is in full swing! For every five referrals you make through August 31, 2013 we'll pay you an additional $50 on top of that smoove $97 groove.
To review any previous referrals you may have made, or to cash out any pending referral payments, be sure to visit the "Rewards" section of your account control panel:
The DreamHost Site Of The Month is a coveted title reserved for a select few DreamHost customers who have blown your collective minds with their own creativity, panache, and flair.
As voted by YOU, the winners from APRIL are as follows...
I once tried a hot air paint stripper and, frankly, there's no going back to regular strippers after that.
Flash games! Click here, click there!
I'm getting the grist of it.
As voted by YOU, the winners from MAY are as follows...
This site is not safe for work! Unless you happen to work at a hosting company. Which I do. Insert creepy chuckle here.
Remember, you can always click through to the DreamHost Site Of The Month section of your account control panel at any time to submit your site, vote on candidates, and view all winners past and present. (Winners appear in bold.)
Nice work, everyone!
See ya next month!
P.S. - Unsubscribe before you are eaten by a grue.