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Apple Welcomes Us!

My head asplode!

I think I’ve been blogging far too much recently.

I’ll try and make this a quicky.

As the three of you reading THIS blog probably know, Apple is announcing something BIG tomorrow.

So big, they’ve put a picture on their home page proclaiming, “The first 30 years were just the beginning.”


That’s some powerful stuff. I’m getting excited.

I mean, Apple’s done a lot of earth-shattering stuff in the last 30 years.

They popularized the graphical os.

They popularized aesthetic computers.

They popularized the mp3 player.

Hey 2007-2036, those are some pretty big shoes to fill!

So big, in fact, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “Self, what in the world could Apple possibly reveal that would make a statement like “The first 30 years were just the beginning.” not feel at least a little bit over-the-top?”

Remember back when I predicted there’d be a Video Airport Express? Well, I was a year-plus early, but I was right.

And they don’t call me Lightning-Strikes-Twice-McJonesey for nothing.

Josh’s list of things that would make the last 30 years of Apple look like over-cooked monkey-snot:

#1. Apple introduces teleportation.

That’s right, real deal, now-you-see-it-now-you-don’t, mother f-in teleportation. Holy creole-y, the world would be a DIFFERENT PLACE.

#2. Apple cures aging.

That’s way up there with teleportation, man, because who cares how long it takes to get somewhere when you don’t age?!

#3. Apple creates perfect virtual reality.

A lá The Matrix. Where it doesn’t really matter if you age or not, because your brain can live forever in a tube being fed perfect virtual reality. And then teleportation doesn’t matter either because you could just load up a new virtual reality and you’d be there. Although, what do we do when a meteor hits Earth and destroys all our brain tubes? Well, that’s why real teleportation is #1.

And that’s it. Seriously. Their statement has set the bar so high, that I’ll be disappointed if it’s anything outside of those three things.

Okay, now that we’ve pretty much accepted that I’ll be disappointed, maybe I’ll try and come up with the three things I think there’s actually a femto-scopic chance Steve possibly could announce tomorrow that I’d be most satisfied with.

#1. The iTunes Mega Store

No photoshop anywhere.

iTunes now has every movie and TV show, ever. Plus, you can re-download any content you purchase. As a bonus, there’s no DRM. (ha!) Alternatively, you can subscribe for like $60/month and watch whatever you want. TV shows are available the minute they are shown on TV, including sports. Movies are available the minute they’re released in theaters, including internationally. Everything is available in whatever resolution you prefer, up to 1080p.

Now THAT would be something. And it’s something they could do. And it’s something we’ll eventually, inevitably, definitely, have. The question is just if it’ll be Apple providing it, and if it’ll be Apple providing it tomorrow. The odds are femto-scopic, but hey, it’s at least something Apple could do!

#2. The iPod Crumple

Eight years of art school, baby!

Apple releases the iPod Crumple… the first iPod printed on a paper-like material with a flexible screen. I mean, how long have we been hearing about flexible displays and digital ink? And for how long have we had that technology in sci-fi movies? If there’s anything that says “the future” more than rocket packs and sex-bots, it’s computers you can crumple up and hide in your backside!

Anyway, the iPod Crumple would basically be a piece of paper, the whole face of which is a flexible “touch-screen”, which you can fold, roll, crumple up, or whatever. It has built-in wifi, evdo, gps, bluetooth, 1TB of storage, lasts at least 16 hours on a charge, takes hi-res pictures, and has gangsta-hi-fiving bass. And it doesn’t really matter how much they cost, they’d sell a trillion. (Every human on earth would buy at least 166 of them.)

#3 iTV, All-In-Thee!

I'd put money on this one.

Apple releases the iTV, but it’s not just a glorified “Video Airport Express,” it’s a gaming system. I’ve been downloading retro games with my new Wii and Xbox 360, and it’s pretty sweet. Games are the one “entertainment piece” missing from the “iTMS puzzle” right now.. and the new iPods even play games! The iTV should work with all controllers on the market today, including the Wii-mote, and play all games on the market, ever.

How do they do this? Look, did you ask how they make the iPod Crumple? Or cured aging? Or frickin’ popularized candy-colored computers? Who cares! Maybe they just include every system inside, plus emulators! Maybe the thing costs $2000. Maybe they just create a “standard video gaming protocol” where every controller sends inputs that conform to this protocol and every video game system sends a/v replies back and they just stream it all over your new home FiOS connections to their super server farms in Underground Kentucky!

Who cares! The point is, with all the talk of “converging devices” and “the fight for the living room,” I know I’m sick and tired of having a TV, a cable box, a receiver, an Xbox, an Xbox 360 (thanks, Santa!), a Wii, and 22 controllers fighting in my living room! If I’m going to add an iTV, it better be getting rid of at least one other device… preferrably all of them! And everybody says video games are a huger and huger part of the entertainment world, so I can’t be the only person who’s got a few.

Anyway, there you have it. The three things that would impress me the most for Apple to announce tomorrow, followed by the three things Apple-has-a-fireball’s-chance-in-heaven-of-possibly-announcing that would impress me the most.

I’m prepared to be disappointed.

About the author

Josh Jones