Ladies. Gentlemen. And those who take offense to the notion of either.
I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve invited you here this evening. I trust your drivers were professional but remained silent on this matter as they were instructed.
I’ve gathered you here at this abandoned warehouse on the seedy side of town not because you are smart, not because you are powerful, and not because you are rich. Those may have been prerequisites, but they are certainly not your most valuable attribute.
At least not tonight.
Take a look down at…your hands. Hold them to the light and take a moment to appreciate their subtle, nuanced contours.
Make a slow fist and watch the back of your hand closely as every muscle plays its part in wordlessly obeying your command.
Marvel at the power you wield with a single thought!
You hold beauty; you hold perfection – all within arm’s reach.
Your hands are, to put it bluntly, exquisite. Flawless. Pristine.
You first came to my attention when one of my scouts discovered your DreamHost-hosted website. I suspected that such online perfection could not possibly have been created through the labors of misshapen, unmanicured, monkey paws. And I was right.
Look at the hands of those around you. Take a good look. Don’t be shy.
I assure you, you’ll find not a double joint, pre-cancerous lesion, liver spot, misproportioned set of fingers, or unmanicured cuticle among you – you beautiful website building savants!
Have you ever…considered a life without computers? When the first EMP is detonated and entire cities of electronics are rendered useless in the blink of an eye, how will you go on?
There are those of us who believe that this Internet of ours is as “permanent” as the Hanging Gardens of Babylon or the lost city of Atlantis.
I represent a group of people who foresee, and are actively planning for, a return to simpler times.
When those times come, what will you do? How will you make your living?
I’ve brought you all here to open your eyes to a world in need. A world that needs you. All of you.
Beneath the spotlight to my left you see a wooden box. It’s not a shoebox, though its size may give you that impression. Note the two holes on either end.
Watch closely now as I pull back its miniature velvet curtain.
Yes that is, in fact, a small wrestling mat.
Ladies. Gentlemen. Whatevers.
Welcome to Finger Fight Club – the most exclusive underground thumb wrestling circuit in the world. We have chapters spanning six continents and our membership roster includes heads of state, captains of industry, Nobel Prize winners, and those who deal in the Shadow World.
The pay is generous, but insignificant.
The work is hard, though rewarding.
The prestige is immeasurable.
Now I’d like to…wait. What’s that crashing sound?
Nobody’s supposed to know we’re here. Hendricks! Tanqueray! You two go check the loading dock and…OH GOD EVERYBODY RUN! IT’S A RAID!
IT’S THE FEDS! AKCKCKAKKACK NO NO NO NO I’M FULL OF BULLETS!
MY BEAUTIFUL HANDS! AHHHHH!
Simon Says… (Written by CEO Simon Anderson!)
Welcome to the New Year, peoples of the world! And boy does the world have a lot of “New Years”. January 1 for us in the West, Jan 31 for Chinese New Year, and March 21 for Persian New Year. I’m sure I missed some others, too. Party time for the next 3 months, woohoo!
But unfortunately, we here at DreamHost won’t be celebrating anything until Halloween. We’ve got too much to do. Plus we like getting into costume and pretending we’re not ourselves. Manicured hands, blue hair and all.
Our focus in January has been EMAIL. Load balancing it, beefing up servers, and overall squashing any bugs that have been bugging you.
We’re not done yet with our Better Reliable Email Today Truthfully (BRETT for short, and he is short) improvement project, but we’re dedicating a lot of effort and investment in it. People have been saying “email is dead” for years. But we know you use it every minute of the day, and it ain’t going away.
I hope and wish you all have the best New Year in January, February, March 2014, wherever you may be coding or website building or WordPressing around the world.
Lean on us anytime you need a friend on the Internets!
(Now back to Brett!)
Spend A Day With DreamHost – We Have A Winner!
Last month we asked you (nicely) to spend some time working on a DreamHost music video.
Some of you actually did! We were shocked!
Well, two of you did. That was less shocking. Making these things IS hard work, after all! The good news is that I get to keep the Kindle Paperwhite that the third place winner *would* have gotten.
We’re happy to announce that Matthew Haas has won le grand prize!
We’ll be flying Matt out to DreamHost HQ in Los Angeles where he’ll spend a day meeting the DreamHost team, touring our offices and datacenter, sitting in on meetings… Man, it’ll be great!
Matt gets to be an employee for a day and we DON’T EVEN HAVE TO PAY HIM!
Matt will also get another day full of fun and games, with or without our stimulating companionship, at a location of our mutual choosing!
Congratulations also to Andrew Orr and his cat for their entry! They’ll soon be sharing an iPad for their trouble!
And for all of you that were THIS close to entering, I’ve spent the last 12 minutes rubbing what could have been your easily-won Kindle
Paperwhite all over my body. I’m not sure why, but it feels right.
New TLDs – They’re Here!
Hide yo’ kids. Hide yo’ wife. NEW TLDs (top level domains) have hit the Internet and there’s just no stopping them!
The .com TLD has seen the writing on the wall and has developed an anxiety disorder that not even military-grade antidepressants can fix.
Seven new TLDs will hit General Availability on February 4th: .guru, .bike, .clothing, .holdings, .ventures, .singles, .plumbing …and TWENTY more are planned for release throughout the month of February!
To register any of these new TLDs, or to register your interest in any new TLDs slated for launch in 2014 and beyond, simply visit the “New TLDs” section of your DreamHost control panel:
We’ve just updated ours!
While we’ve rewritten the document to be a little clearer, nothing has really changed in practice!
The bottom line with DreamHost is that you entrust us with your personally identifiable information AND your data, and we take our responsibility to protect that data extremely seriously.
For example, we will NEVER show up with flowers and chocolates at your front door without an EXTREMELY good reason.
DreamHost WTF: Credit Card AutoPay
What’s that feature? It’s Credit Card AutoPay!
When you put a credit card on file with your DreamHost account, you’re taking pre-emptive action against the most preventable cause of website downtime!
Sure, we email you a heads-up when your DreamHost bill comes due. We even give you a bit of a grace period to get that bad boy all paid up!
But we know how it is. Spam filters can eat your email. Vacations can get in the way. Maybe you changed your email address and forgot to let us know. Point is, those billing emails don’t always get read!
Whatever the reason, attaching a credit card to your DreamHost account means that we’ll charge you (and send you a receipt) automatically on your monthly billing date whenever you’ve got a balance due.
You can even set a limit on the amount we’ll be able to charge your card in any one day to avoid any unexpected surprises!
Just click the ‘Credit Card AutoPay’ signup link to get started.
If you’re one of the few still paying us with a check or money order, this will save you a fair amount of time and will keep your beautiful hands papercut-free!
DHSOTMs – DreamHost Site Of The Month
The DreamHost Site Of The Month is a coveted title reserved for a select few DreamHost customers who have wowed their peers with incredible feats of wonder perpetrated from behind a keyboard – maybe in a parent’s basement, maybe not.
As voted by YOU, the winners from DECEMBER are as follows…
The winner in the CONTENT category is:
Paths of Reverie by Nicholas R. Chen
“‘Paths of Reverie’ is an ongoing photography project that captures the serendipitous moments of travel. All photos by Nicholas R. Chen.”
You’ve traveled to places that scare me just to look at. Your pics make my hands sweaty.
The winner in the DESIGN category is:
YEAHBRU! Your website, built today!
“YEAHBRU! is an industry changing idea. No more hemming and hawing away with sketchy “web developers” that take months to create a simple site.
You need a website today, and we’re here to help. Using WordPress and premium themes, we can offer our small business clients the fastest turnaround time to get their sites up and running.”
WordPress + Great Design = Happy Customers!
The winner in the STRUCTURE, ORIGINALITY, and OVERALL categories is:
Women Enjoying Beer
“Women Enjoying Beer® is the only company specializing in women’s relationship with beer.”
They do seem to be enjoying beer over there. But are they happy?
Remember, you can always click through to the “DreamHost Site Of The Month” section of your account control panel at any time to submit your own site(s), vote on candidates, and view all winners past and present.
Nice work errrrrbody!
See ya next month!
P.S. – If you’ve got any fingers left, you can unsubscribe here: