Jackets of Pain

We ordered some kick-butt jackets for our employees recently. They’re these nice heavy navy blue cotton doo-dads with a super warm fleece lining, AND they’ve got our logo embroidered right on the front.

They arrived today and I was excited – but for more reasons than you might expect!
What's wrong with these jackets?

Shortly after you begin working at DreamHost you quickly develop an uneasy relationship with Ted. Ted is a 12 inch lead pipe that the boss keeps in the top drawer of his desk. If you screw up, you get a “Ted to the head”. It hurts. A lot. I’m beginning to think we should start mentioning it to people in our hiring interviews. On the upside, productivity pretty much doubles when Ted makes an appearance, so I think people realize that in the end Ted is good for the company, and it makes them better, stronger people in the process.

Anyway.

One day the trail of tears leading from the boss’ office to my coworkers’ desks was more than I could bear. I wanted to help. But how? I knew exactly what to do. I made sure to order these large, warm jackets. Not only would they protect myself and my coworkers from the blistering cold of southern California, but they’d also give us something to hold above our heads as we cower in fear when Ted comes a-knocking. (The fleece works well for sopping up tears too.)

But wait! Something was amiss. As I began sorting the jackets, I realized that some were a completely different shade of navy blue than the others!

This is what's wrong with these jackets!

Instantly my heart sank. Our supplier had screwed up and given us jackets from what looked like two different manufacturers. It wasn’t my fault, but Ted didn’t care.

I blacked out shortly after this picture was taken.

Butt shot

His methods may seem odd to outsiders, but I realize now that when Ted gave me a concussion it was just his way of saying “Stop being such an idiot and fix this mess. Seriously. You make me sick.”

Good old Ted.